Childhood Experiences

“When a child has loving, tuned‑in and responsive relationships every day, they learn that life is safe. They learn that they matter and that they can trust other people. When this happens, a child feels safe enough to explore, be curious, learn and enjoy time with others. This kind of care helps stop the body’s ‘fight, flight or freeze’ stress response from taking over. This supports healthy development.”

Children and families do well when they have safe, stable and caring relationships and places to live and learn. These positive experiences help children grow and help prevent difficult or harmful experiences.

Talking about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can feel hard. If you choose to talk about difficult childhood experiences, it is okay to feel upset. You should never feel judged when sharing what happened to you.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are traumatic events that occur before the age of 18. These experiences can affect a child’s physical health, mental health and overall wellbeing. ACEs are not the child’s fault. They can happen at home, school, or in the community. Growing up in poverty or having parents who have faced their own trauma or hardship can also impact a child’s experiences.

It is important to talk about ACEs so that we can understand how trauma affects children. This helps adults know the type of support a child may need.

The effects of ACEs can last into adulthood, but recovery is possible. With the right support, a person can heal and live a happy, fulfilling life.

Children may face many types of challenging experiences, such as:

• Living in an unsafe home

• Parents separating

• A parent with mental health needs

• Witnessing violence

• Death of a parent

• Bullying

• Racism or prejudice

• Natural disasters

• Poverty

Trauma can appear in many ways. One of the clearest signs is how a child behaves when they feel stressed.

Fight, Flight or Freeze

The body naturally responds to danger through the fight, flight or freeze response. When a child feels unsafe, their body may prepare to defend themselves, run away or shut down.

If a child experiences repeated or long‑lasting stress, they may react strongly to small triggers. They may feel stressed even when they are safe. Over time, this can impact physical and emotional health.

Stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline can affect the developing brain, immune system and hormones.

Children who have experienced trauma may:

• Struggle to ask for help or seek comfort

• Find it hard to follow guidance

• Have difficulty becoming independent

• Struggle to notice hunger, tiredness or pain

• Find it hard to understand or name their feelings

Some children cope by withdrawing into a “fantasy world.” This dissociation helps them escape overwhelming feelings.

Dissociation is not the same as daydreaming. It is a brain‑based response to overwhelming emotions or memories. When dissociating, a child is not fully present. This means they miss information around them, making it harder to learn or concentrate.

If a child has lived with unpredictability or lack of safety, it may affect:

• Attention

• Memory

• Focus

• Decision‑making

• Planning

• Understanding social cues

A child who does not feel safe expressing emotions may communicate through behaviour.

Children may:

• Struggle to separate from carers

• Become overly independent

• Shut down emotionally

• Try to please others

• Try to control the environment around them

These behaviours are adaptive survival responses, developed to cope with difficult experiences.

Children who experience abuse, neglect or bullying may develop shame or low self‑esteem. They may believe they are “bad” or responsible for problems.

Children with negative self‑beliefs may struggle to accept love or praise.

Neurodivergent children often experience higher levels of stress due to:

• Bullying or abuse

• Sensory overwhelm (noise, lights, smells)

• Feeling misunderstood

• Masking who they are

• Hard or confusing social situations

• Sudden changes or transitions

• Limited choices or control

They may struggle to express their emotions or ask for help.

Parents experience stress too. High stress levels may cause adults to:

• Find it hard to calm down

• Lose their temper

• Feel impatient

• Struggle to listen

• Struggle to model calm behaviour

Parents with their own childhood trauma may find it harder to feel safe and create safety for their child. Support is available if this feels familiar.

Helpful tools and approaches include:

• The Incredible Five‑Point Scale

• Using clear, simple language

• Offering small, manageable choices

• Preparing for transitions

• Watching for sensory overload

• Creating calm, predictable environments

Grounding strategies can help children stay present, such as:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can feel

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

Rhythmic, repetitive activities also help calm the nervous system (walking, music, dancing, yoga, drumming).

Connection should always come before correction.

• Slow, deep breaths

• Listening to music

• Quiet alone time

• Bath or water play

• Walks in nature

• Side‑by‑side conversations

• Naming and validating feelings

• Offering reassurance

Teaching self‑regulation takes time. Patience and practice are key.

The PACE Approach (Reframed

PACE stands for:

• Playfulness

• Acceptance

• Curiosity

• Empathy

This approach helps adults understand a child’s strengths beneath challenging behaviours.

Playfulness

A gentle, warm tone that helps a child feel safe.

Acceptance

Accepting the child’s feelings and inner world without judgement.

Curiosity

Seeking to understand the child’s experience, without assumptions.

Empathy

Connecting emotionally so the child feels seen, heard and understood.

SPELL stands for:

• Structure

• Positive Approaches and Expectations

• Empathy

• Low Arousal

• Links

Structure

Predictable routines reduce anxiety.

Positive Approaches

Focus on strengths and gentle encouragement.

Empathy

Understanding experiences from the child’s perspective.

Low Arousal

Keeping the environment calm and reducing triggers.

Links

Clear communication, consistency and regular breaks help with regulation.

Supporting a child with additional needs can be exhausting. Working collaboratively with everyone involved helps the child feel understood and supported.