LGBT Families

For many LGBTQ young people, telling their parents is the hardest part of coming out.

You do not need to be an expert to support your child.
What matters most is being present, open, and loving.

Even simple words can mean a lot:
“I’m here for you. I love you. I will support you no matter what.”

Many initial reactions come from fear or misinformation. Parents may worry about:

• what their child will face in society

• whether they did something wrong

• what friends or family will think

• old myths or misunderstandings about LGBT identities

Hearing that a child is LGBTQ can be unexpected.
Many parents go through emotional stages as they adjust.
These stages may not happen in order and may come back later when new events happen, such as a child’s first relationship, moving away, or facing mean comments or bullying.

Common feelings include:

Denial or disbelief

Parents may have wondered before but pushed the thought away out of fear.
Even after a child comes out, some parents hope it is a phase.
But when a child shares this information, it is important to believe them.

Grief

Parents may feel sadness about the loss of the future they imagined.
This is not grief for the child themselves, but for the plans they pictured.
Over time, new hopes and dreams form, ones that still centre on love, happiness, and success.

Guilt or blame

Some parents wonder if they caused this.
Others look for reasons.
But being gay or transgender is not caused by parenting.
It is not an illness or a choice.
It is a natural variation in how people develop.

Fear

Parents may fear judgement, rejection, or danger for their child.
They may also fear losing friends or support networks.
These feelings are understandable.
They show how much parents care.

Privacy and safety

Some families keep the child’s identity private because they worry others may react badly.
This can protect the child, as long as it is done with the child’s consent.
If a child feels the family is hiding them out of shame, this is sometimes called the “second closet”.
This can be hurtful, so it is important to follow the child’s lead.

We may feel angry at…

Parents may feel angry at many things when their child comes out as LGBTQ.
People may feel angry at:

• themselves, for not realising sooner

• their child, for the changes it brings to family life

• other family members, for reacting strongly either for or against the LGBTQ child

It is important to deal with your own anger and not direct it toward your child.
Remember: your child trusted you enough to share something honest and personal.
Many LGBTQ people come out because they do not want to hide who they are anymore.

This stage often brings a new understanding: it is the parent, not the child, who must adjust.

You can support your child by:

• redrawing your picture of your family to include this new truth

• supporting the family your child has or will create

• finding other supportive parents and friends

• finding a faith community that welcomes LGBT people

• learning as much as you can

Family members do not reach understanding at the same pace.
But when each person accepts and supports the LGBTQ child, the child feels safer and less alone.

Loving your LGBTQ child means loving them fully and openly — as they are, not “in spite of” who they are.

Your support gives your child a safe space to grow.
They still need your love, encouragement, understanding, and belief in their future.

Finding out your child is transgender can feel like big news.
Most parents go through emotional stages.
These stages may:

• not happen in order

• return many times

• move slowly or quickly

• not appear at all

Life events — such as dating, starting college, or facing bullying — can bring old feelings back.
This is normal.
Give yourself time to regain your balance.

Denial or disbelief

Many parents wonder about their child’s identity long before the child says anything.
But they push the thought away out of fear of what it could mean.

Even after a child comes out as transgender, some parents hope it is a phase or experiment.
But when a child shares their gender identity, it is important to believe them.
This can feel difficult because it means facing big changes for both you and your child.

Most people do not learn much about gender identity until it affects their own family.
It may feel like new and unfamiliar ground.

Grief

Grief is sadness about loss.
Parents may grieve the loss of the future they imagined.
They may feel sadness about gender‑specific hopes — such as a father imagining walking a daughter down the aisle.

Over time, new hopes form.
Old dreams may shift, not disappear.
For example, a hope for a “good wife or husband” may become a hope for a “good partner”.
Hopes for love, happiness, career success and family life remain.

Guilt or blame

Many parents try to find a reason.
This can lead to guilt or blame.
Parents may:

• blame themselves

• blame their child for changing

• blame friends or other transgender people

But research is clear:
being transgender is not caused by parenting, events, or choice.

Gender identity is a natural part of human development.
It forms through complex biological, genetic and hormonal factors.
Many young people now also see gender as a spectrum, not two fixed categories.

Fear

Parents fear what they do not understand.
Common fears include:

• how others will react

• losing friends, family or faith communities

• discrimination, bullying or violence

• telling the truth to people outside the home

These fears are understandable and real.
This makes family support even more important.

Parents and children can get through these changes together.
With support and understanding, families grow closer and stronger

If you think a friend or family member may react badly, you may decide not to tell them about your child’s transgender identity.
This can be the right choice as long as it supports your child.

Your child should choose who knows and when to tell people.
They are the ones who will live with the reactions.

A transgender child may:

• feel safest if only close friends and family know

• choose to make changes in their appearance that make their identity more visible

• want privacy, or want to be open — both options are valid

Follow their lead.
If you are unsure, ask simple questions like:
“Would you like me to tell Aunt Kay, or would you prefer I don’t?”

If your child is open about their identity, it is important that you stay in step and show support.

When a family keeps a child’s identity private, it is sometimes called the “Second Closet.”
This can be helpful if it protects the child.
But it can be harmful if the child feels the silence means shame.

Parents may feel angry at:

• society or government, for allowing discrimination

• themselves, for not recognising the truth earlier

• their child, for the changes in family life

• other family members, for strong reactions

It is important to manage your own anger and not direct it at your child.
Do not expect your child to explain everything to you — learning is your responsibility.

Information can reduce anger.
Good first steps include:

• reading trusted resources

• talking with supportive friends or family

• speaking with a counsellor

Remember: your child honoured you by being open and honest.
Many transgender people come out because they want to live truthfully.
Honour this by managing your emotions while you learn.

This stage often brings the realisation that parents need to change, not the child.

You can support your child by:

• redrawing your idea of your family to include this truth

• supporting the family your child has or will create

• finding other supportive parents and friends

• finding a faith community that welcomes LGBTQ people

• learning all you can, and helping others learn too

Family members may not accept things at the same pace.
But as each person shows support, the child will feel safer and more connected.

Loving your transgender child means loving them as they are.

Your acceptance gives your child a safe space to grow, thrive and become their best self.
They still need what parents give best: love, encouragement, understanding, and hope.

Many parents also find that, as acceptance grows, their child becomes happier, more resilient, and more open.

You may also be able to support other families.
Hearing other parents’ stories can help and when you feel ready, you may share your own.

Family Pride Southwest
Helps LGBTQ+ families connect with one another.
An LGBTQ+ family may include one or more LGBTQ+ parents or children.
https://www.intercomtrust.org.uk/lgbt-families/

Intercom Trust
Offers support to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and families in the Southwest.
They can help with:

• communication or tension between parents

• building parenting skills

• supporting an LGBTQ+ child

• managing divorce, separation or co‑parenting

To find out more or access support:

intercomtrust

LGBTQ+ Youth Groups in Truro – Find your tribe
Youth groups for LGBTQ+ young people.