Neurodivergent Girls

A young person may feel that they are neurodivergent. They may not have a name for it. They may not have a diagnosis. They may just feel that their brain works in a different way from other people. This is ok.

Right now, the world is mostly designed for neurotypical people. Neurotypical means people whose brain works in the way society expects. This is because it is believed that there are more neurotypical people than neurodivergent people. But many experts now think there are far more neurodivergent people than we once believed. At least 20 out of every 100 people are neurodivergent, and there may be even more.

If someone is neurodivergent, life can feel hard in a world that does not yet meet their needs. Many neurodivergent women say they often feel one step behind others. They may not know why. They may feel that they do not “do life” as well as other people. They may feel like this is their fault, even though it is not.

Author Holly Smale shared this feeling in a BBC interview. She said:
“I burst into tears saying, ‘I am broken. There’s something wrong with me and I need you to work out what it is’… I thought I wasn’t a worthwhile human. And I genuinely thought that I would never be fixed.”

Many girls say they have felt this way too. But they often feel better when they learn they are neurodivergent. This helps them understand why they feel different. They also learn that their brain works in a different but valid way.

Learning how your brain works helps you understand what you need to feel ok. It also helps you be kinder to yourself. This can give you the confidence to try the things you want to do.

Everyone needs places where they can be themselves.

At school or in other busy places, a young person may feel they have to try to “fit in”. This can be tiring. Over time, it can harm their mental health.

When someone hides parts of who they are, they can forget what they really like or need. It becomes harder to say what they want. It becomes harder to stay happy and safe.

Research shows that having safe places to be your true self is good for mental health. It can help to have spaces where a young person can relax, follow their interests and unmask. Unmasking means being yourself without hiding your traits.

As a young person learns more about who they are, it can become easier to find people they connect with. These people might be neurodivergent or neurotypical. Neurotypical means a brain that works in the way society expects.

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Many neurodivergent people hide their traits to fit in or stay safe. But masking all the time can harm mental health. Here are some ideas that may help a young person drop their mask if they feel safe to do so.

Every family is different. But good communication helps everyone feel safe. Communication does not have to be verbal. A parent or carer can also respond to a young person’s behaviour. These small signals can show when a young person is coping or when they need help.

A safe family space is one where a young person knows that they are valued for who they are. It is a space where being autistic or neurodivergent is not seen as a bad thing. It is a space where their strengths are celebrated, and their difficulties are supported. When home feels accepting, the young person does not have to follow the same rules they face in the outside world. This can help them rest and feel safe.

A safe home also helps a young person cope with the outside world. When they know they have a secure base to return to, it is easier to manage stress during the day.

Talking openly about why people behave in certain ways can also help. It can help a young person understand social situations. This can build skills they can use in other places.

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Neurodivergent people often experience their senses more strongly than others. They may see, hear, feel or taste things more intensely. They are not imagining it, and they are not “too sensitive”.

These strong senses can feel beautiful. But they can also feel overwhelming when too much happens at once.

School can be very hard on the senses. It is full of noise, lights, smells and busy movement. These can build up through the day. This is why a young person may feel overwhelmed when they get home.

If school staff do not realise that a young person is neurodivergent, they may not understand the person’s sensory needs. The young person may feel too anxious to explain what helps them feel ok. Staff may then think the young person is not trying, for example if they cannot eat lunch or cannot focus in a noisy classroom.

Sometimes families struggle to understand sensory needs too, especially if they are neurotypical. Neurotypical means a brain that works in the way society expects. A young person may say something feels wrong in their body, but it may not seem logical to others.

For example, the family might feel warm, but the young person feels very cold. Or the young person may be very upset about a small paper cut, even if it does not look painful.

If parents or carers are neurotypical, they may find it hard to understand why the sensory world feels so different for their child. But the child or young person is not imagining it. Their sensory experience is real and valid.

There is a common belief that neurodivergent girls can express themselves, make friends, and manage conflict in the same way as neurotypical girls. But this is not always true. Some neurodivergent girls find friendships and conflict hard to manage. They may need extra help.

Some neurodivergent girls also find it hard to notice and describe their own feelings. This is called alexithymia. It can help to encourage them to express feelings in a way that works for them. This may be through words, symbols, drawings, gestures, music, movement, or writing.

Autistic girls also need ways to express themselves to support their wellbeing. This can include music, arts and crafts, movement activities, or writing.

Neurodivergent girls can and do have good friendships. But they may do things in a different way to their peers. They may choose to socialise online. They may also spend shorter amounts of time with friends because socialising can feel tiring.

It is also important for peers to learn about neurodivergence. When children and young people understand differences better, neurodivergent girls feel less pressure to hide who they are.

Not having a friend or group can feel lonely. Some young people enjoy spending time alone and do not feel the need for friends. But others may feel lonely, sad, left out, or unsafe without friendship.

Autistic young people from the Ambitious Youth Network shared these tips for making friends:

• Talk to someone who likes similar things to you. Ask them questions about their hobbies and interests.

• You do not need to be friends with everyone. Choose friends who make you feel happy.

• Try to put yourself out there if you can. Remember other people want friends too.

• Join groups, either online or in person, that are linked to something you enjoy. The Ambitious Youth Network is a good place to meet other autistic young people.

• Try not to overthink social situations. Be yourself.

• Ask your parents or carers for support. They can help you talk to people you want to be friends with.

• Share your interests and passions. Everyone enjoys learning about new things, especially when you talk about something you love.