Personal Relationships

Our ideas about parenting often come from our own childhood. Some people want to repeat the experiences they valued. Others want to do the opposite and offer what they felt they missed.

Because everyone has different backgrounds, parents may have different parenting styles. You may notice your partner being stricter—or more relaxed—than you expected. You may also hear new views about school, nutrition or routines that surprise you.

Before becoming parents, you may have only seen each other as partners. Now you are seeing each other as parents for the first time. This can bring up new stories, memories or differences in what you both believe.

Instead of arguing about parenting styles, try to understand each other. Talk about why you each see things the way you do. This can help you feel more willing to compromise or meet in the middle.

Your partner may act a certain way because they want to pass on values that helped them as a child. Or they may want to avoid things they found difficult growing up.

When you understand each other’s reasons, it becomes easier to be patient and supportive. You can then work together as a team.

As children grow, family dynamics can change. Your parenting style and your partner’s parenting style may still be different. These differences can also be shaped by what each of you went through at the same age.

For example, you may be more relaxed about certain teenage behaviours because you remember doing similar things. Your partner may find the same behaviour worrying or upsetting. Open and honest communication remains important. Talking about these differences can help you understand each other’s views and find ways to work together.

Older children also start to want more independence. This can sometimes cause conflict. Teenagers may feel controlled if parents talk to them as if they are still very young. Parents may feel hurt or confused if their teenager reacts with anger or frustration.

Sometimes you may need to update your boundaries. Growing up can bring challenges, but it also brings chances to talk more openly. If things feel stressful, it can help to sit down together and speak honestly about what each of you is finding difficult.

As children get older, their experiences can sometimes trigger old feelings from our own childhood. This can take us by surprise.

Some parents may feel a little jealous if their child has opportunities they never had. Others may want their child to follow paths they missed, even when the child does not want the same things. Some parents may also notice memories from their own childhood returning — sometimes confusing or upsetting ones.

These feelings can be hard to process. You may not expect them, and you may not realise you had them. Talking to someone you trust can help. This could be your partner, a family member or a close friend. Saying feelings out loud can make them easier to understand and manage.

For some people, speaking with a counsellor can also be helpful. Counselling can provide a safe space to work through complex thoughts and emotions.

More information is available here:
https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/preparing-be-parents

Good relationships with friends and family can support your mental health. New “parent friends” can be helpful for both you and your child. But long‑term friends can be just as important. These are often the people you can laugh with, talk openly to and feel fully understood by.

Meeting in person is not always possible. A simple phone call or video chat can still help you feel connected. You could plan regular calls for when your children are in bed or busy with homework.

It’s okay to say ‘no’

Setting Healthy Boundaries

When you are finding things hard, it can be difficult to balance your own needs with what others expect from you. Many people struggle to say “no,” even when they need a break.

Setting boundaries is healthy. There are many tools online, such as simple worksheets, that can help you communicate your needs in a calm and clear way.

Remember:

• You have the right to say “yes” or “no.”

• You do not have to give a reason.

• Looking after yourself is not being selfish.