School Anxiety and Refusal

Young people feel anxious about school for many different reasons.
They might:

• worry about making friends

• struggle to fit in socially

• find lessons confusing

• feel pressured to learn in a certain way

• find relationships with teachers difficult

Difficult experiences outside school can also make learning harder.
This might include:

• bereavement

• illness in the family

• being a young carer

For some young people, the school environment does not meet their needs.
This may happen if they have:

• a mental health difficulty

• a neurodivergent condition

• a Special Educational Need (SEN), such as autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), dyslexia or dyspraxia

School can feel anxiety‑provoking and exhausting when needs are not recognised or supported.

• not wanting to get up or get ready

• saying they cannot go

• worrying about small things (for example, having the right equipment)

• feeling sick, or having stomach aches or headaches

• poor sleep

• avoiding schoolwork or a drop in grades

• being angry, upset or acting out at school or at home

• withdrawing — seeming low, quiet or depressed

It can be hard to understand what is making your child anxious.
The first step is helping them identify what is worrying them.

Young people may struggle to answer direct questions like “What’s going on?”
A tool like an anxiety iceberg can help.

The idea is simple:

• the behaviours you see are the “tip of the iceberg”

• the hidden thoughts and feelings are underneath

Using an anxiety iceberg

For younger children, you can draw pictures on the iceberg.
For older children, you can:

• write key words

• create a mind map with “school” in the middle

• list things they find hard around the outside

Through this activity you might discover worries such as:

• arriving at school

• noise levels or sensory overload

• confusing lessons

• feeling lonely

• struggling in specific subjects

• fear of crowded spaces or busy corridors

Understanding the cause of anxiety helps you work with the school to make helpful changes.

Once you understand what is making school hard for your child, you can use their anxiety iceberg or mind map to show the school what they need.
This helps you ask for clear and specific changes.

Follow these steps to start a conversation with the school:

1. Ask for a meeting with the class teacher, tutor lead, pastoral lead or the Special Educational Needs Coordinator (SENCO).

2. Prepare notes about what your child finds difficult. In the meeting, explain these points clearly. You can also ask whether staff have noticed any patterns or difficult moments.

3. Ask for specific changes. If you already have ideas, share them. If not, ask what the school can offer.

4. Take notes during the meeting. Agree on changes you will try. Follow up afterwards with an email.
   You can also ask for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) so that all teachers use the same adjustments.

5. Arrange a review date to check how things are going. Give your child time to try out new routines.

6. If one member of staff is not helping, escalate the issue.
   You can speak to:

   • the head of year

   • the deputy head

   • the headteacher

   • governors

   • the academy trust

   • the Local Education Authority

Here are some examples of things you can ask the school for:

If your child finds arriving at school difficult

• Early arrival with a small job to do. Younger children may settle better if they arrive 10 minutes early and help tidy the classroom or set up a lesson.

• A safe space for teenagers. They may feel calmer starting the day with a mentor from the pastoral team.

• Flexible start times to reduce pressure.

• A friend to meet them at the gate to make arrival easier.

A visual timetable showing registration, lessons and breaks.

• A ‘now, next, then’ card to break the day into simple steps.

• Written instructions to support children who struggle to remember spoken information.

• Help with moving between lessons and a clear warning before transitions.

If your child feels anxious or uncomfortable through the school day

• A peer buddy, staff mentor or pastoral supporter who can check in with them.

• A safe space such as a wellbeing room or pastoral office where they can go during difficult moments.

• An ‘exit card’ so they can leave a lesson when overwhelmed and go to an agreed safe space.

• A flexible or reduced timetable to reduce pressure.

If your child is feeling isolated or finding relationships at school difficult:

• Breaktime and lunchtime clubs can give structure to the day and reduce worry about what to do.

• Joining a club or having a small responsibility, like being a library helper, can help your child feel part of school life.

• A peer buddy or mentor can give them someone to talk to and check in with.

• Some schools run friendship or social‑skills groups, which help children meet others in a smaller, calmer space.

Even when things feel difficult, try to keep a positive relationship with the school.
Notice the support they offer and the changes they make.
Working together makes a big difference for your child.

Source:
YoungMinds

Create a morning routine

A clear routine for getting up, getting dressed, having breakfast and leaving the house can reduce stress for your child — and for you.

Prepare things the night before, such as:

• checking the timetable

• packing bags

• laying out clothes

In the morning, focus on one small step at a time rather than the bigger goal of “getting to school”.

Think together about managing anxiety

Younger children may feel calmer if they:

• take a small comfort item to school

• use a worry box at home

Teenagers may prefer to fill a calm box with items that help them relax.

Encourage relaxing activities after school

This could include:

• spending time with friends or family

• listening to music

• going for a walk or run

• playing sport

• baking

• drawing

• watching a favourite film

Recognise small achievements

Notice simple successes such as:

• getting out of bed on time

• handing in work

• completing a small task

Praise helps build confidence.

Try to take the pressure off

Some days your child may not manage homework or schoolwork.
This is normal.
Their mood will rise and fall, and you can try again the next day.

If your child is currently out of school, this can feel overwhelming.
You may worry about their education, their future, or how to balance your other responsibilities.

If anxiety is stopping your child from attending, it is important to seek professional mental health or Special Educational Needs (SEN) support.

Speak to:

• the Special Educational Needs Coordinator (SENCO)

• the school nurse

• your General Practitioner (GP)

Returning after weeks or months away can feel extremely hard for your child.
You and the school can make this easier by planning small steps.

Try the following:

• Set small, achievable targets
  For example: visit the building out of hours, or attend one lesson.

• Ask for a home visit
  A school staff member can check in, show that school cares, and talk about helpful strategies.

• Request a reduced timetable
  Build up slowly with regular reviews.

• Discuss changing classes or sets
  This may help if a particular group or subject is causing stress.

• Focus on essential subjects
  Your child may benefit from dropping a less important GCSE to reduce pressure.