School Anxiety and Refusal
Neurodiversity Hub Wirral
Understanding School Anxiety and Avoidance
This information is based on guidance from Young Minds.
It is normal for children and young people to feel worried about school at times. They may feel nervous when starting a new school or during exams. But for some children, school can feel stressful or overwhelming for a long time.
If your child feels anxious about school or cannot go, it can be very tiring for both of you. Mornings can become especially stressful. You may be trying to manage their feelings, get them ready for school, and also manage work or other responsibilities.
Even if they reach the school gate, you may know how hard the day will feel for them. You may also worry about how you will manage the next morning.
When anxiety becomes so strong that a child cannot go to school, this is often called school refusal. Families and schools also use terms like Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) or anxiety‑related absence, because these terms do not suggest that the child is choosing not to go.
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Young people may feel anxious about school for many reasons. They might:
worry about making friends or fitting in
find schoolwork confusing or difficult
feel pressure to learn in a certain way
find relationships with teachers hard
Things outside school can also affect how settled they feel. This might include bereavement, family illness or being a young carer.
For some young people, the school environment does not meet their needs. This may cause stress and exhaustion. This can happen if your child has a mental health difficulty, a neurodiverse condition or a Special Educational Need (SEN) such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia or dyspraxia.
School can feel especially difficult if their needs are not understood, not diagnosed, or not supported.
Young people may show school‑related anxiety by:
not wanting to get up or get ready
saying they cannot go
worrying about small things like having the right equipment
feeling sick or having stomach aches or headaches
not sleeping well
struggling with schoolwork or dropping grades
becoming angry, upset or acting out
withdrawing or seeming low, quiet or depressed
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It can be hard to work out what is making your child anxious. The first step is helping them name what is worrying them. Once you understand the problem, you can start making changes to help them.
Young people may find it hard to explain their feelings. They may not answer direct questions such as “What’s going on?”
An anxiety iceberg can help. It shows worries that are “above the surface” and those “hidden underneath”, allowing you to explore their feelings more calmly.
For younger children, draw pictures or simple words.
For teenagers, use key words or make a mind map with “school” in the middle.You may find worries such as:
arriving at school
noise or busy spaces
confusing lessons
feeling lonely
worrying about specific teachers or subjects
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Once you understand more about your child’s worries, you can share this with the school and ask for support.
Follow these steps:
Ask for a meeting with the class teacher, tutor, pastoral lead, or SENCO.
Write notes before the meeting. Explain what your child finds difficult and ask what they have noticed.
Ask for specific changes based on what helps your child. If unsure, ask what the school can offer.
Take notes. Agree what changes will be tried.
Follow up with an email afterwards. You can ask for changes to be included in an IEP.
Agree a date to check in again. Give your child time to try the new routine.
If needed, speak to someone else - head of year, deputy head, headteacher, governors, academy trust or local authority.
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If your child struggles with arriving at school
Arriving early and doing a small job (younger children)
A safe space with a trusted adult at the start of the day (teenagers)
A flexible start time
A friend meeting them at the gate
If school feels overwhelming or confusing
A visual timetable
A "now, next, then" card
Written instructions
Support with transitions between lessons
If anxiety happens throughout the day
A peer buddy or mentor
A safe space, such as a wellbeing room
An exit card to leave lessons when needed
A flexible or reduced timetable
If your child feels isolated
Break or lunchtime clubs
Responsibilities like library monitor
A peer mentor
Small groups for social skills or making friends
Remember: Keeping a positive relationship with school helps. Notice and thank staff for any support or changes—they matter.
Full guidance available at YoungMinds
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Creating a Morning Routine
A simple routine helps your child feel secure and reduces stress for you too. Prepare the night before—check the timetable, pack bags, lay out clothes.
In the morning, help your child focus on one step at a time instead of “going to school”.
Supporting Your Child to Manage Their Anxiety
Younger children may find comfort in taking a favourite toy. A worry box can help them store their worries.
Teenagers may benefit from a “calm box” with items that help them relax.
Encouraging Time to Relax
After school, relaxing is important. This could be:
time with friends or family
listening to music
walking or running
sport
baking or drawing
watching a favourite film
Recognising Small Achievements
Notice and praise small steps, like getting out of bed on time or handing in work.
Taking the Pressure Off
Some days your child may not manage schoolwork or homework. Their mood will vary. You can always try again tomorrow.
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Returning after an absence can feel very difficult. You and the school can help by:
Setting small goals (visiting the school after hours, attending one lesson)
Requesting a home visit from a staff member
Asking for a reduced timetable with gradual increase
Discussing class changes
Focusing on essential qualifications and reducing less important subjects