Sibling Relationships

Avoiding the topic of differences can make children think it is something to hide.
Instead, share simple, age‑appropriate information about how people think and feel in different ways.

This helps your children:

• understand each other better

• learn to see things from another point of view

• talk about emotions

• ask questions without fear

Young children and neurodivergent children may find perspective‑taking harder.
Regular, open conversations give them practice and show them that differences are normal.

Encourage your children to come to you with questions and worries.
This builds trust and shows that talking is safe.

Positive moments help siblings bond.
But this can be tricky if your children have very different interests, abilities, or sensory needs.

Try to think beyond traditional family activities like board games or sports.
Instead:

• create new ways for siblings to play or spend time together

• choose activities based on each child’s strengths and preferences

• take turns choosing the family activity so everyone feels included

This shows your children that their interests matter.
It also helps them understand that everyone enjoys different things.

When they are ready, you can talk about how choosing activities for others is a way of caring and showing respect.

Many people say siblings should “work it out themselves.”
But siblings with different neurological needs may need support to learn these skills.

You can help by:

• teaching them to take breaks when things get heated

• showing them where their “calm‑down spots” are

• practising this when they are calm, not only during arguments

These steps help prevent physical fights and reduce stress.

To support long‑term conflict resolution, try to:

• understand each child’s communication style

• help them express their needs clearly

• help them understand each other’s feelings

Over time, these skills will help them manage disagreements on their own.

Even when your children have big differences, they will still have things in common.
Point out these similarities often.

This might be simple things like:

• liking the same food

• laughing at the same joke

• having similar features

• wanting the same thing (like avoiding bedtime!)

Shared moments — especially the funny ones — help siblings feel like they are on the same team.

Parenting more than one child can feel stressful. When your children have very different needs, it may seem easier to keep them separate.
But siblings will be part of each other’s lives for many years.
Building this relationship early can give them lifelong comfort, understanding and support.

More guidance:
Parent support

Ableist embarrassment

Many siblings hear unkind comments about their neurodivergent brother or sister.
Children can be direct, and they may say things like:

• “What’s wrong with your sibling?”

• “They’re weird.”

These comments can feel painful and embarrassing.
As siblings grow older, they will need support to:

• speak up for their neurodivergent sibling

• challenge unfair attitudes

• explain their family with confidence

Addressing resentment

Life may need to change to meet the needs of a neurodivergent child.
This can be hard for neurotypical siblings.

They may:

• compromise more often

• leave events early

• watch the same shows repeatedly

• miss out on things they want to do

As they grow, they may also see their parent’s time, money or emotional energy focused on the child with additional needs.
This can lead to frustration or sadness if not supported.

Greater expectations

Neurotypical siblings are often expected to:

• be more independent

• manage their own feelings

• help more around the home

• take on extra responsibilities

As adults, they may also feel expected to support their neurodivergent sibling.

Neurodivergent children are all different.
Their needs, strengths and behaviours vary a lot.
This means their siblings’ experiences vary too.

Here are three examples:

• Sibling A lives with an autistic sibling who is kind, fun and enjoys the same activities. There are tricky moments, but life is mostly positive and manageable.

• Sibling B lives with a brother who is non‑verbal, aggressive, and sometimes destructive. They may feel frightened and avoid bringing friends home. Life at home may not feel safe or predictable.

• Sibling C lives with a sister who is very bright and creative but also extremely anxious and sensitive to noise, crowds and smells. Sibling C loves them but finds the unpredictability stressful.

Each sibling’s experience is shaped by:

• the neurodivergent child’s needs

• the level of support the family has

• the nature of relationships in the home

• the sibling’s own personality

Every story is different — and every sibling needs support that fits their own situation.

Siblings are different from one another.

Every child is unique.
This means each child will have their own response to having a neurodivergent sibling.

Some children may find it very hard.
Others may find the experience rewarding or feel proud.
Most will feel a mix of emotions at different times — and this is normal.

Is it easier to be the younger or older sibling of a neurodivergent child?

There is no “right” or “easier” sibling position.
Both younger and older siblings face different challenges and strengths.

Younger siblings

A younger sibling has always known life with a neurodivergent brother or sister.
This may mean:

• they adapt more easily

• they accept differences as normal

But they may also:

• struggle to find their own place

• feel overshadowed by their sibling’s needs

• worry that their own needs are not noticed

Older siblings

Older siblings may:

• feel frustrated if parents’ attention shifts to a younger neurodivergent child

• feel proud or protective

• find things easier because they already have a secure place in the family

Every sibling is different, and their experiences will change as they grow.

Different temperaments and personalities

Children cope in different ways based on their personality.

Sibling X is sensitive.
They become overwhelmed by repetitive sounds, meltdowns or loud behaviour.

Sibling Z is empathetic and enjoys helping.
They may take pride in helping their sibling calm down or communicate.

Both reactions are valid.
Your job as a parent is to support each child’s needs and feelings without judgement.

‍ Family attitudes, stress levels and communication patterns make a big difference.

‍ ‍Here are two examples:

‍ ‍Family A

• Parents work together

• They respond calmly during stressful moments

• They find suitable support and schools

• They make sure all children have chances to build friendships and take part in activities

‍ ‍The neurotypical sibling learns that challenges can be managed and that family life can stay loving and stable.

‍ Family B

• Parents blame each other for the challenges

• The relationship breaks down

• One parent becomes overwhelmed, angry or shuts down

• The home becomes chaotic and unpredictable

‍ ‍The neurotypical sibling may learn that challenges lead to stress, fear or conflict.
This can affect their wellbeing.

‍ Your approach as a parent shapes how siblings understand stress, love and support.

‍ ‍Family finances vary.

‍ Money cannot remove challenges — but it can make some things easier.

‍ ‍Families with fewer financial resources may face:

• limited access to therapies or services

• difficulty attending appointments during working hours

• barriers to using online tools if they lack internet or devices

• long waits for support

• extra stress from managing benefits systems

‍ ‍

Families with more money may:

‍

• afford private services or assessments

• have flexible jobs with supportive employers

• pay for respite care

• travel to appointments more easily

‍ ‍

Poverty and neurodiversity can be a very challenging mix.
Families may need support with benefits, grants and services.

‍ ‍

Useful links:

‍ ‍

• Turn2Us – help with benefits and grants

• EntitledTo – benefits checker
  ‍ ‍Family Fund – grants for families raising disabled children

‍ ‍

How do these differences affect neurotypically developing siblings?

‍ ‍

Every family is different, and each child reacts in their own way.
Here are some common impacts on neurotypical siblings:

‍ ‍

Reduced money for their needs

‍ ‍

If most of the family’s money goes toward care or services for the neurodivergent child, there may be less available for the other children.
This can lead to frustration or resentment.

‍ ‍

Less time with parents

‍ ‍

If most time is spent caring for the neurodivergent child or managing appointments, the neurotypical sibling may feel left out or neglected.

‍ ‍

Less support with everyday tasks

‍ ‍

Parents who are exhausted may not have the time or energy to help with homework, lifts to activities or daily routines.

‍ ‍

Parents may miss signs of struggle

‍ ‍

If parents are stretched, they may not notice issues like bullying at school, emotional worries or risky behaviour.

‍ ‍

Expectations placed on siblings vary.

‍ ‍

What is expected of a sibling depends on:

‍ ‍

• family size

• money and resources

• cultural beliefs

• the child’s personality

• the needs of the neurodivergent sibling

• the health and stress levels of the adults

‍ ‍

In larger families, support may be shared.
In smaller families, one sibling may be expected to take on more responsibility.
As parents age, these expectations may grow, sometimes placing pressure on the neurotypical sibling to become a future caregiver.

‍ ‍

All children deserve attention, emotional support and time with their parents.
While caring for a neurodivergent child can be demanding, there are ways to support your neurotypical child too.

Support their understanding

Treat neurodiversity as part of life.
Talk openly about it.
Explain what it means and what it does not mean.

Model respect

Show respect for your neurodivergent child, and treat all children fairly.

Give attention whenever you can

Look for small moments to:

• listen

• play

• talk

• laugh

• solve problems together

These moments matter.

Recognise their challenges

Acknowledge that your neurotypical child is coping with extra demands.
Praise their resilience, flexibility and kindness.

Create special one‑to‑one time

Plan regular “just us” moments, even if they are short.
If you have a partner, take turns spending time with each child.

Plan ahead

Think about how you will manage tricky moments before they happen.
For example:

• What will you do if your neurodivergent child becomes overwhelmed in a supermarket?

• How will you support your neurotypical child with school, college or future plans?

You do not need to meet every wish — just plan key supports.

Be consistent

Life with a neurodivergent sibling can be unpredictable.
Consistency helps children feel safe.

Watch for signs of stress

Look out for:

• anxiety

• low mood

• withdrawal

• risky behaviour

If they need you, try to find a way to be there.
Sometimes this means asking for help from others or making adjustments.

More information:
Very well health

Siblings often compete, argue and disagree.
This can be stressful for parents.
But research shows that sibling rivalry can help children learn:

• negotiation

• compromise

• conflict resolution

However, rivalry that continues into adulthood can cause problems — including financial conflict and tension around care needs.

Parents can help by:

• teaching fair turn‑taking

• encouraging problem‑solving

• helping children understand each other’s differences

• creating a calm home environment

• giving each child attention

• helping them name and talk about emotions

These steps help children gain the positive skills from early conflict while protecting long‑term relationships.

The main causes of sibling rivalry are about what children see as fairness.

Children care a lot about fairness.
They watch closely to see whether they are getting the same amount of:

• attention

• care

• responsiveness

• discipline

If they feel another child is getting more attention or more understanding — or fewer consequences — rivalry is likely to appear.

This is especially challenging in neurodiverse families.
Children have different needs, so things cannot always be equal.
It can help to explain this gently, so children understand that “fair” does not always mean “the same”.

Children also want to feel special and unique.
They do not want to be treated as copies of each other.

To reduce rivalry:

• avoid comparing siblings

• avoid labels like “the clever one” or “the sporty one”

• avoid praising one child more than the others in a consistent pattern

• avoid criticising one child more often

Labels and comparisons create competition and can damage self‑esteem.

Why can’t my children get on?

Siblings often mix strong emotions, big personalities and different needs.
This can lead to arguments, especially when one or more children are neurodivergent.

A parent shared this example:

“My boys, who both have ADHD, often fight and wrestle. It helps them release frustration — but things can go too far quickly.”

Some common reasons siblings struggle include:

Finding it hard to connect

Children may not have the maturity to understand differences in personality, interests or reactions.
It may be even harder when one child is neurodivergent and one is neurotypical.

Jealousy

This can work both ways.
A neurotypical child may feel the neurodivergent child gets more attention.
A neurodivergent child may feel life is easier for their sibling.

Resentment

Resentment can build over:

• family stress

• feeling overlooked

• believing rules apply differently

Embarrassment

Children may feel embarrassed by behaviour they do not understand.

Compliance

Some children “fade into the background” to avoid adding stress to the family.
This can lead to hidden resentment.

Indignation

Children have a strong sense of fairness.
If they feel rules or responses are unfair, difficult feelings can build quickly.

You might expect neurodivergent siblings to understand each other more — but this is not always the case.

If more than one child struggles with:

• emotional regulation

• impulse control

• sensory overload

arguments can escalate quickly.

To support everyone:

Give each child space

If they share a room, offer set times when each child can use the room alone.
Create an extra “chill‑out” zone if possible.

Create emotional space

Give each child chances to talk, be heard and feel valued.

Provide chances to shine

Plan activities each child enjoys.
This could include:

• a walk

• a game

• a favourite programme

• baking

• running a family quiz

• choosing a family meal

• creating “rules” for parents in a fun challenge

These shared tasks help siblings build teamwork and understanding.

More guidance:
Twinkl